Switched-On Magazine

Issue 11: The Divorce Issue

IN THIS ISSUE...

Letters

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I am a frickin leaf in the wind.

Buddy the Monk: Hey you guys. Thanks for invitin" me into your living room. You probably know me from down the block over at the gym where I teach "boxing for bruisers". I'm the guy in the Robe. Yeah. That's right. It's me- Buddy the monk. I won "Toughest Buddhist in the three Boroughs" for three years running. Not easy, when you know what kind of hands that Ashran the most serene has. He's a monster. A very serene monster but you know, a monster still.

Today's class is "Getting through things that you can't change that aren't your fault". I call it "I am a frickin' leaf in the wind". Nice, huh? I'm kinda excited about this class. It's helping me revisit some old issues from when I was just a little monk, running around on the streets of Harlem, peddling little Buddhas and drinking White Tea outa dirty glasses. Those were some good times.

Ok, class is in session. People, get in your fricking seats or I will seat you. You won't like that, lemme tell you. I'll seat you good. All right. I'm going to go around the room and ask you people some questions. Tell me your name first or I'll brain ya. If you take a look at the guns under these robe sleeves, you'll see that I'm not messing around.

Ok, Pencil neck. You first. Tell me your name and answer this question. First up, Say your parents get a divorce. Is it your fault?

Pencil Neck: Oh, hi. My name is Gene. And I don't know. It could be. I need more information. OWW, what did you do that for?

Buddy the Monk: Bzz. Wrong answer. Gimme that arm back.

Pencil Neck: That really hurt, monk dude. You hit me with your knuckle.

Buddy Monk: You want I should hit you with two fists? C'mere. And this one's for flinching.

Pencil Neck: Geez, is this really necessary?

Buddy Monk: Yup. Wrong answer again. The correct answer is "NO". There is no possible way that it could be your fault. People don't get a divorce because of problems with their kids. They don't get divorces just because they argue over kids. Kids never made anyone divorce.

Pencil Neck: okay. Ow.

Buddy Monk: You are a leaf in the Frickin Wind, my son.

Pencil Neck: Fine, whatever.

Buddy Monk: That was interesting. We can learn a lot here. Let's move on to Pelican Nose over here.

Pelican Nose: Hey, that's not really cool, man.

Buddy Monk: SILIENCIO, Pelican boy. Next question. What if you got better grades or were a better behaved kid or helped out more at home, could you stop your parents from getting a divorce?

Pelican Nose: Maybe. I don't know.

Buddy Monk: Wrongo, Birdface. You also didn't say your name.

Pelican Nose: Holy... Geez. Did you just slap me in the face?

Buddy Monk: Other side, Birdo.

Pelican Nose: Leave me alone. Ow.

Buddy Monk: The answer is "NO". Nothing you can do would have stopped the divorce. You are a frickin leaf in the wind.

Pelican Nose: I think I need to tell my dad about this.

Buddy Monk: Leaf. In the wind. Sit down, leafy. Ok, this is going well, I think. We're really started to learn now. I feel that rush, Y'know. Helping the next generation cope. Or something. How about you, Hairboy?

Hairboy: Why am I hairboy?

Buddy Monk: Because of that think in your hair. That thing.

Hairboy: You just put that in my hair. You did it.

Buddy Monk: Yeah, Yeah, preach, Hairboy. Siddown. Next question. Let's say your parents get a divorce. Is it wrong to feel out of control and angry?

Hairboy: What is this thing you put in my hair? It hurts a little.

Buddy Monk: Wrong answer.

Hairboy: Ouch. What the hey. That was my nose.

Buddy Monk: Keep it out of the way, then. The answer is "No". It is not wrong to feel out of control and angry. It happens. You might feel like your whole life is falling apart and you don't have any say in it. Let's say that your parents' marriage is like Hairboy's shirt. Watch.
Hairboy: Heeelp. What the.... That"s a new shirt!!!

Buddy Monk: See. I ripped it right apart. Now, class, is there anything that Hairboy could have done to stop me?

Hairboy: My name is Eddie. OK? And you owe me a new shirt, you psycho.

Buddy Monk: Leaf in the frickin' wind, Edward.

Kid in Pink Hat: Mr. Monk? Is it really necessary to insult us like this?

Buddy Monk: Is it really necessary to wear a pink hat into my classroom, Tommy Hillfigger?

Kid in Pink Hat (aka Tommy Hillfigger): That's cruel.

Buddy Monk: ok, T.H. Next question is for you. Is it fair that your family breaks up like this without you having a chance to do anything about it? Pink Hat, step up.

Kid in Pink Hat: Is it fair? OOOOOW.

Buddy Monk: Not fast enough, amigo. The answer is "NO", it's not fair. It's not even a little fair. You're a part of this family, too, and you don't get a say in whether it stays together or not. It's not fair. But it's what happens. So what are you?

Kid in Pink Hat: What? I'm Peter.

Buddy: Not your name, Hillfigger. What ARE you?

Kid in Pink Hat: A leaf in the frickin wind?

Buddy Monk: Exactly. You are a leaf in the Frickin Wind. The leaf can't control the wind. The only thing the leaf can control is himself. The leaf can control if the leaf is happy or not. Now, you, Puckerface?

Puckerface: Are you talking to me?

Buddy Monk: Do you see anyone here with a more puckered face than you have?

Puckerface: I don't really think I HAVE a puckered face. Do you think I look puckered?

Kid in Pink Hat: You're kinda puckered, dude.

Puckerface: Great. This is what I wanted to hear today. I have a puckerface?

Buddy Monk: On task, Puckerface. Back to the lesson.

Puckerface: I would really appreciate it if you called me Sean or something. I really don't-

Buddy Monk: Puckerface!! Attentione. Big Question. If one parent asks you questions about the other parent, do you have to tell them anything?

Puckerface: It's Sean. Ok?

Buddy Monk: I'm sorry, what did you say?

Puckerface (Sean): No, you don't have to say anything. You don't have to be put in the middle like that.

Buddy Monk: Beautiful. Nice work, PuckerSean. Why not?

PuckerSean: Because I'm a leaf in the Frickin wind?

Buddy Monk: And the leaf gets to control what the leaf does. The leaf doesn't have to do anything that makes the leaf feel bad. You can't control the wind, what can you control, SeanPuckerboy?

Sean Puckerboy: Yourself?

Buddy Monk: Nice. I feel like you punks are finally listenin' What do you want, Pizzaface?

Pizzaface: I just wanted to know what my nickname was, sir.

Buddy Monk: Right. You got it. Nice sucking up. How about you, Bigheadgirl?

Bigheadgirl: Is my head really that big?

Buddy Monk: It's epic, baby. It's huge. Here we go. What does the leaf do when it feels like it has a problem?

BigHeadGirl: Can I get a mirror or something, because I really think my head is normally sized.

Buddy Monk: Live in that fantasy, then, Lollipop.

BigHeadGirl: I look like a lollipop?

Buddy Monk: Wrap your giant head around it now. Last question to you. If you feel upset about something that happens in the divorce, who can you talk to?

BigHeadGirl: I need to put my giant head down for a while...

Buddy Monk: Bzzzzt. Bad answer. You should be able to walk right up to your parents and talk to them. They are divorcing each other, not you. You are still the most important part of their job. It doesn't matter what else is going on. You're the kid, you're the leaf in the frickin wind, and no matter how hard the wind is blowing, you have a right to have them listen to you.

BigHeadGirl: I'm really kind of sad about this head thing.

Buddy Monk: Tell your parents, leafy.

Kid in Pink Hat: Dude, I think you are actually the meanest monk I've ever seen.

Buddy Monk: Look, I'm sorry. I'm going through some stuff right now. It's been a rough week. C'mon, group hug.

BigHeadGirl: I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Pelican Nose: Big Hug.

Buddy Monk: This is nice

Pencil Neck: Did you just smack me in the head in the middle of a group hug?

Buddy Monk: Sorry. Force of habit. New hug...

Letters To Us

From switched-on readers about "The Divorce Issue"

Got a question, comment or suggestion about something you have read on our site? Don't keep it to yourself, let us know by email or use the form at the bottom.

Dear Switched-On,

My Parents were really happy together just a few months ago. Now they are getting a divorce and I don't know what happened. They expect me to just play along and act the same as always. They expect stupid things. Everything is different and I can't stand to see their faces anymore. Don't they understand what this is doing to me? I can't be here on more second.

Signed,
Launch me

Dear Launch,

That sucks. Straight up. Sorry you have to be in the middle of it and even sorrier that there is nothing you can do about it. The truth is just that, though: You didn't make this problem and you can't fix it. I'm sure your parents are saying things like "You'll always have two parents who love you" and "Our problems aren't your fault". It's easy to ignore them and think that these are just stupid things people read out of a book, but maybe they really mean those things. Maybe they really do want what's best for you. One thing is certain, though, there is nothing they can do if they don't know how you feel. Have you been able to find a non-judgmental, smart way to talk to them about your feelings. Some families start familiy meetings just for this reason. If they know how close you are to leaving, maybe they can do something to fix their relationship with you. It's likely that they really would like to have that chance.

-Switched-On

Switched On mooks,

My family fights constantly. The worst fights, however, are between my mom and dad. They just yell all the time. They seem to hate each other. How do I convince them to just get a divorce and get over it?

Signed,
Done with it.

Dear Done,

That sounds like a rough thing to live through every day. Different people have different ways of communicating. Sometimes, however, the way of communicating can be pretty messed up. It may actually stop people from listening rather than get them paying attention. Your parents may have fallen into this pattern. You shouldn't have to be the adult in situations like this- trying for a better kind of communication between all of you, but you don't have to fall into their patterns. Sometimes just working for- and trying- a different, saner communication is something one person in the family can start. Your school counselor or the National Runaway switchboard at 1-800-RUNAWAY may be able to give you some resources that would help you find communication methods that really work to introduce into your family. If your parents actually found a better way to talk, do you think you would still want the divorce?

Switched,

My parents divorced in September. Now my dad is remarried and I have a whole new family, complete with younger brother, older sister, new house, new neighborhood, etc. The problem is that it's not me. It's not my life. I feel like I'm in someone else's story and everyone just tells me to get over it. I don't think I will.

Signed,
Not getting over it.

Dear NGOI,

You are 100% right. You are in a whole new life and it's not one that you chose or worked for or wanted or made happen. You were taken for a ride by something that is not your fault and is not your doing. You have every reason to be freaked out and uncomfortable, to be angry and to be confused. You have every reason to miss your old life and to want to go back to it, but that's not possible right now. What IS possible is for you to take control of this situation and to make it more your own. You may have been wandering around in a fog for a bit while you got settled but maybe now is when you get to decide who you are. You have a great opportunity in front of you to be whoever you want to be, to make yourself into the person you feel good about. Sometimes that's all we have when we find ourselves in situations we can't change that we didn't ask for. Maybe starting small, with some things you CAN change, about yourself and your new life, would be helpful. In your life, you may well find yourself in hundreds of situations you didn't explicitly ask for. What kind of person you are may be decided by what you do in those situations.

Links & Resources

For more information and resources about "The Divorce Issue"

Here are some places on the web that may be interesting.

A kids guide to divorce.

You know you want to read this. It's got a cute cartoon photograph of a family ripped apart. It's got funky hand-written buttons. And there's a version in Spanish. On the side you see a section on 'My Body'. Don't touch that section!!! Don't do it.

How to Survive Your Parents' Divorce: Kids' Advice to Kids

This is almost like having a tiny little support group you can put in your pocket and take with you to Wendy's. Other people talk about what their parents' divorce meant to them and what they did, how they lived through it and what they want for the future. If you're the kind of person who would rather read than ask a bunch of questions, this is a great book. If you need something to throw around your room, not so much, as this is a paperback.

Dealing with Divorce for teens

A quick guide for dealing with the breakup of the parents presented in a way that helps us remember what we still have and what we can do for ourselves to make it easier. Do I like the colors here? No, but there is always a black and white printer.

Dealing with Divorce and Separation: A Guide for Teens

It's a site called 'Youngwomenshealth.org' so, as a guy, I only snuck around there a little. Okay, so I put on a wig and read the whole thing. You can't judge me. You're not the boss of me. I can do girly stuff if I want.

The National Runaway Switchboard family divorce complaint line

Okay, so your family is getting a divorce and no one asked you how you feel about it. We want to know. Consider this an official asking. Please tell us how you feel about it. In situations like this, often people call and want to conference call with parents to set up rules about what they need after a divorce. We do that. We're here today and we're going to be here tomorrow. The day after that we're going to be wondering why you haven't called yet. But we won't get needy.