Switched-On Magazine

Issue 12: The communication issue

IN THIS ISSUE...

Letters

SWITCHED-ON POLL

Thank you for voting...

1-800-RUNAWAY: Did You Know...

That the National Runaway Switchboard handles more than 100,000 calls every single year from people all over the country, almost 275 calls a day?

Visit 1800RUNAWAY.org today!

United Penguin Service

UPS Representative: Hello, how may I be of assistance?

Some Random Guy: Hey, That"s a weird sign

UPS Representative: It's the UPS Logo

Some Random Guy: It totally doesn't look like the UPS logo I know. Anywho, I need to send something

UPS Representative: Excellent. That's what we do. What do you need it to say?

Some Random Guy: To say? Like what is on the card?

UPS Representative: Card? It's for the belly.

Some Random Guy: Dude, you have completely lost me.

UPS Representative: The belly, right here...

Some Random Guy: Aaaah. What the hell is that?

UPS Representative: It's a flightless waterfowl called a Penguin.

Some Random Guy: I know that. Why is it hanging out of your hands?

UPS Representative: It's what we do here at United Penguin Service. You need to tell something to someone, we write it here on the belly of the penguin and we send it off.

Some Random Guy: I thought this was the United Parcel Service.

UPS Representative: Well, a penguin is kind of a parcel. Actually, not really

Some Random Guy: Wow. That is kind of cool, actually. It's like the white area on the belly is perfect for it.

UPS Representative: And we use biodegradable inks so that every penguin can be reused.

Some Random Guy: So it's good for the environment?

UPS Representative: No one's complaining

Some Random Guy: Cool. So I can send a message anywhere?

UPS Representative: Well, you want to know the person. It can be scary getting a penguin out of nowhere.

Some Random Guy: And they fly there? Like an owl?

UPS Representative: Yeah. No. That was the first kink to iron out. The first batch we dropped out of helicopters. Totally thought they could fly. We were mistaken.

Some Random Guy: So how do they get there?

UPS Representative: We have special drivers. UPS drivers. They do pickups and then drop these guys off wherever you need a little tuxedo looking bird with writing on his belly.

Some Random Guy: And people pay attention?

UPS Representative: That's why we're in business. You see, everyone wants to find the way to get people to listen to them. Everyone's got something to talk about. To communicate. You just have to find a way to say it so that people will listen.

Some Random Guy: And people listen to penguins?

UPS Representative: Well, they pay attention. Outside of cgi-animated children's movies, you don't see many of these guys.

Some Random Guy: I see you have different color pens

UPS Representative: Yup. This is important. People have to know what words are more important than others.

Some Random Guy: This sounds complicated.

UPS Representative: It has to be. ok, here's a story. Once upon a time...

Some Random Guy: I like the stories that start that way. It kinda brings me back.

UPS Representative: Well, once upon a time, there was this sweet little family.

Some Random Guy: Hey, can I sit over here on this penguin chair while you tell this?

UPS Representative: Sure. Put your feet up on that fishstool thingie.

Some Random Guy: Nice

UPS Representative: At any rate, the little boy kept saying that all he wanted for Christmas was a snowman. "I just want a snowman" he says, over and over.

Some Random Guy: Snowman. Gotcha.

UPS Representative: So the mom and dad bought him a nice fancy new snowman from the snowman store.

Some Random Guy: There is no such store.

UPS Representative: I know. This is just a story.

Some Random Guy: ok. I just want to make sure we stay believable.

UPS Representative: From the magic snowman store.

Some Random Guy: Ooh. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan.

UPS Representative: And on Christmas day, the little boy unwrapped the snowman.

Some Random Guy: I bet he was so excited

UPS Representative: He was. And the snowman came out and everybody took a picture of the boy's face. It was sweet. And the little boy talked to the snowman and played around with him. When he left for school the next day, he told his mom "Mom, ok, I need you to make sure that the Air conditioning is kept on." And mom said "ok, little boy".

Some Random Guy: Does mom not know her own son's name?

UPS Representative: I just didn't want to introduce names if they're not completely relevant.

Some Random Guy: It just makes them sound like a whole family full of people with short term memory dysfunctions. "Who are you, little boy?"

UPS Representative: Fine, the boy's name is Arthur.

Some Random Guy: I really don't love that name.

UPS Representative: Sorry. Moving on. So Arthur goes to school. On the way out the door, he sees his dad, Steve.

Some Random Guy: Not a name choice I would have made, either.

UPS Representative: Who is married to Hortense, the mom.

Some Random Guy: eek.
UPS Representative: And Arthur says to Steve, his dad...

Some Random Guy: You know, you"re probably right. The names are really just screwing me up.

UPS Representative: The little boy says to his dad, "Dad, I need you to keep the air conditioning on today. It's for the snowman." And the dad says "Rightio, young man."

Some Random Guy: Dad's kinda geeky, then?

UPS Representative: A little. And then the boy sees his sister in the driveway. Her name is Mongo Hildy. He says "Mongo Hildy, I need you to keep the air conditioner on today. For the snowman".

Some Random Guy: Just getting kind of silly now.

UPS Representative: And then he goes to school.

Some Random Guy: Arthur does?

UPS Representative: Yep. When he gets home, though, the snowman is just a puddle in the living room.

Some Random Guy: I saw this coming.

UPS Representative: And the boy says to his family 'I thought I told you that I needed you to keep the air conditioning on?"

Some Random Guy: He's a little mad, right?

UPS Representative: And they say "But we didn't really know what 'need' meant"... Do you see the point?

Some Random Guy: Wow, you could drive Oprah through the holes in that story. And not Oprah today, either. I mean Chubby 80s Oprah.

UPS Representative: The point is that all these words can mean different things to different people. Parents can't know what "need" means for you until they have it explained. Sometimes they want to listen but don't know what the words mean to you. That's why we use different colors.

Some Random Guy: That was a long way to go to explain, I think.

UPS Representative: The darker and hotter the color, the more important the word is. And we use bigger penguins for very important ideas. Really, we just help people communicate in the way they want to. Without misunderstandings.

Some Random Guy: I'm seeing penguins in a whole new way. Whole new way.

UPS Representative: If you can find the right words to use, the right language, you can easily tell people what's going on in your head. If you can't, it's hard to blame them for not knowing.

Some Random Guy: This could be a useful little bird.

UPS Representative: That's all we're saying. And everyone loves a little bird in a tuxedo. It's the first rule here at UPS.

Some Random Guy: What is that?

UPS Representative: If you find a way to talk to someone that makes them chuckle, or feel good, they will listen better. If we wrote messages on bears, people would be too busy running and trying to avoid being Bear Poop to read the message.

Some Random Guy: See, before I came in, I would have thought that writing a message on a bear would be the way to go. It's big and angry and people listen.

UPS Representative: But they don't really listen. They just try to stay away from the mouth area.

Some Random Guy: I guess you're right. Penguins are probably better.

UPS Representative: We always think that big and angry and hostile and painful makes people listen better. It doesn't. That's what we've discovered. In fact, IBS, Irritable Bear Service, over across the street? They just closed because of that.

Some Random Guy: Doesn't that stand for Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

UPS Representative: That just sounds gross.

Some Random Guy: ok, I think I want to send one to my dad.

UPS Representative: Sounds good. We can send this right out. What does it need to say?

Some Random Guy: Well, something that lets him know that I'm not a kid anymore. That I need a little more respect out of him.

UPS Representative: Ah. A respect penguin. Hold on. Ta da

Some Random Guy: Is that a tiny bow tie?

UPS Representative: See, when you're asking for respect, you have to give it. That's how people know that you understand what respect is.

Some Random Guy: And a bow tie says respect?

UPS Representative: Eh. Not really. It's pretty darn cute, though, isn't it?

Some Random Guy: It's like the cutest thing I've ever seen. Can I see him walk?

UPS Representative: That's like 3 dollars extra.

Letters To Us

From switched-on readers about "The communication issue"

Got a question, comment or suggestion about something you have read on our site? Don't keep it to yourself, let us know by email or use the form at the bottom.

Dear Switched-On,

I swear to god I was switched at birth. My whole family just yells all day long at each other and I feel like I'm about to snap. It's like the only way they know how to talk. It's louder than onstage at a Korn concert all day long, screaming and yelling over NOTHING. And they all seem to think it's perfectly normal. Help me before I lose my hearing and sanity.

Signed,
English, please

Dear English,

Sorry about that. Earplugs sound like a good idea, but that's really only going to stop the noise, not the obvious aggression. It sounds like you like to live at a different volume level than the rest of your family. The truth is that you're only one person and they may not want to change their volume for you. But, there are still things you can do. One of the things that people who talk at this level usually do is that they don't address things unless they're in crisis mode. Top of the lungs seems like a better way to talk about crisis. Issues. For example, if you are talking about money and you have none at all, it can be a loud, ugly conversation. But take a step back 2 weeks and try to put a budget together when there IS money and it could be more civil. When people yell all the time it may mean that they only deal with things when they get to crisis. You may be able to make a difference by identifying problems early and calling family meetings about things that AREN'T problems yet. At a time when people DON'T have strong feelings about those things. If you want some peace and quiet, you may have to be the one who tries to solve problems before they become 90 decibel train wrecks.

Switched On peoples,

I have a big brother. He is a fun guy, very cool. Most of the time I like him. The rest of the time, he is sarcastic as hell. And it hurts. I just can't connect with him when he's like that and he says the meanest things ever. I say what I believe. He says whatever is funniest, no matter how much it hurts. Somedays I want to leave and never see him again. Like today.

Signed,
Verbal the Punching Bag

Dear Baggy,

Good for you for standing up and not being a punching bag. Sorry it came to this. It sounds like he really does like you and cares about you. Being sarcastic and sometimes mean may be his way of communicating. He probably expects the same thing in return and it may not bother him, so it's hard for him to realize it bothers you. What's even worse is that this may be a thing that you guys have learned and done and can't get out of- a pattern- without a whole lot of work. The first step may be getting him to recognize there is a pattern. Then, maybe getting him to realize that it really DOES bother you. These are both difficult steps to do on your own. You didn't mention if your parents would be willing to get involved, but they may be able to help you do a role play. A role play is a ridiculous sort of experiment where you pretend to be him and he pretends to be you. That way, he may start to realize what sorts of things you guys do over and over- and how much everyone notices it.

Switched on,

I feel like I've exhausted all the ways I know to talk to my mom. I will say things like

"How are you today?" and she will say something like "How do you think I am- what do you think is always wrong with me. I'm fine by myself". I swear to you that NOTHING works. No conversation stays civil. I am trying.

Signed,
Major tom

Dear Thomas,

Well, that sucks. If that conversation there is any indication, it sounds like she is reading an awful lot into everything you say. There is likely no way that you can filter out any bad thing she might possibly think when you say something so it's probably pointless to try. We always hope that people will hear EVERYTHING we say and eventually realize that there is nothing bad intentioned about our communications. Sometimes people are too unhappy to notice that trend, though and they just act as though people are saying the worst things they could be saying in the situation. Regardless, it sounds like she's not listening to you, but instead to what she's AFRAID you might be saying. Sometimes it helps to remember that there are two things we mean when we say the word "happy". The small "h" happy is what we are when people say nice things to us, do nice things for us. The Capital "H" happy is something we all have to make happen for ourselves. If she is not going to make herself "capital H happy", you can't make her "small h happy". No matter what you say. However, you can talk to her in a way that makes you feel good- like a good son. You can treat her with love and patience and respect. If not for her to notice, at least so you will.

Links & Resources

For more information and resources about "The communication issue"

Here are some places on the web that may be interesting.

Talk: Teen Art of Communication

If you're looking for a better way to talk to your parents, you can read this book, or you can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars inviting the parents out to fancy dinners so they'll pay attention. Then you have to buy a nice suit, get a haircut, maybe a manicure, a pedicure, etc. This could add up. And the book? It's a paperback. How much can it cost?

Family Communication and Family Meetings

If you need to convince your family that starting to have family meetings is a good idea, this is a good place to start. Meetings can mean the difference between not knowing what is going on with your family and knowing where you stand at all times. You can serve coffee. Lots of it.

Dr. Spock's guide for making family communication work

This is a quick read from the Head science office for your favorite starship. What does Spock know about communication, you ask? Yes, sure he's kind of cold and unemotional. But he finds a way to communicate with Kirk and the rest every single time.

How to talk to your parents

A good place to start if you want to talk to your parents. Lots of reasons you may want to talk to them. They're there. They may be in the bathroom when you want to be in there. They could have something you want. You may even like them. Something good has to come from talking to them.

The National Runaway Switchboard talky talky chat line

Welcome to talky talky chat line. We talk extra good. Actually we listen extra good, but that sound boring unless you need it. The National Runaway Switchboard can actually call your parents with you and talk, helping you to talk about what you want to communicate. And it's free. You don't even have to buy us stuff. We won't say no to stuff, though.