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GLBTBBQ.
I love the month of July. Freedom month. You get to blow stuff up and the police mostly let you get away with it. Talk about freedom. I believe the framers of the constitution specifically concentrated on freedom to blow stuff up, but that was removed early from all documents because of its explosive nature. Do you think people in other countries get to blow up stuff like this? I don"t think so.
Let's hear it for independence.
So, given that it's independence day, I choose to celebrate independence from hatred and fear and throw my annual GLBTBBQ- a Barbeque to celebrate and honor the Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and Questioning friends of mine who enjoy burned food.
Here's the problem. When you are the barbeque-master, everyone seems to feel like they can ask you probing questions about life. Just because you have a pokey thing in your hand (I forget what it's called), everyone thinks you are the expert. I am the expert, of course, on burning food. Everything else, not so much.
So here I am, Pokey thing in hand and everybody has questions. Some of them go like this:
Dude: Hey man. Do you have any non meat stuff?
Me: Like meat made out of something non-meaty?
Dude: Something like that.
Me: So if they made animals out of something totally different than animal insides?
Dude: I'll just have the potato salad.
Me: Good call. So what's your problem?
Dude: What'dyou mean?
Me: Everyone has a problem here.
Dude: I'm totally cool
Me: Really?
Dude: Except for those tongs in my face
Me: Thank you, they're called tongs. I was looking for that word. I was calling it a pokey thing. So you're gay?
Dude: I don't really know
Me: How can you not know? Here let me check your ID.
Dude: It does not say it on my ID
Me: Did you ever look? (Honestly, I never did either. I wonder if it does say it on your ID. That would be weird.)
Dude: Look. Nowhere. (Holds up ID. Funny. This guy looks exactly like his picture. That almost never happens)
Me: It says you're an organ donor. It says what blood type you are and that you're a guy. It has your eye color and everything. I wonder why it doesn't say if you're gay or not.
Dude: I think it's because I don't even know. I'm the "Q" in GLBTQ.
Me: Wow. Crazy letter. So you're questioning, right?
Dude: Right. I don't know what I am. I'm looking for a way to think about myself that makes sense to me. The rest of me is all worked out. I know what I like to do, I know what I'm good at, etc. I'm just not 100% positive that any particular label applies to me right now.
Me: So, you're not questioning anything else? Just your sexual preference. (I feel bad about this. I have answers to a lot of things, but not this. I know State capitals like you wouldn't believe. Not many people know this but Tallahassee is actually the State Capital for Florida. A lot of people think it's Miami. It's so not Miami. Or Fort Lauderdale, or one of those other School Break frolic places, like Tampa. I remember when I was in College and we went down to Tampa. What a great time. I got sunburn all over my chest and the whole thing peeled in one big piece afterwards. It was like a snake shedding its skin. It was crazy. I would so like to buy a snake. I wonder if they're hard to feed.)
Dude: Hey, man. Your shirt is on fire.
Me: Eek.
Dude: I just thought you'd like to know.
Me: Sorry, I just sometimes get lost in my own head. It may not look like much but there's a lot going on in there.
Dude: Tell me about it. That's why I think I'll be a "Q" for a long time still. It's a process I have to take and it's through some pretty complicated territory.
Me: So you could be a "Q" for years?
Dude: I could be one my whole life. But that's not a bad thing. At a certain point I decided that I was more than a label and so I gave myself "permission" to be me and see where it went. I'm just watching and paying attention to me now. I think if you want to be happy, you might have to make a deal with yourself not to expect answers too soon or too fast.
Me: I can see that. I'm kinda the same way with movies. I think I like slasher movies but I don't know for sure. Last week I saw that horrible Freddy Versus Jason movie. I thought I was going to vomit. Really. I think I'm on to romantic comedies for a while. How about one of these Corns? These are just made out of corn- no animals.
Dude: Thanks. Is that a Tofu Burger there?
Me: Yeah. So, wait, Tofus aren't animals. (Here, I have to admit, I totally thought tofus were animals. I remember watching this discovery channel thingie about free range tofus and they were charging around this wide open plain area on their stubby little square white feet, trampling the widening grass beneath them and lifting their majestic mouths to the heavens to call out "Marooooo". But it's possible that was a dream I had after I had that Tofu Lard Nar at the Thai place on the corner, which is, by the way, fantastic and not too expensive)
Girl: Hey, are you okay?
Me: Me? Yup. Where"s that dude go?
Girl: I don't know. I've been standing here for about 5 minutes watching you galloping on an imaginary horse. You know you have a fork sticking out of your arm.
Me: Eek. Wow. How did I not feel that? Crazy. You want one of these Bratwursts? I just love to say that word.
Girl: Sure.
Me: Let me guess, you're Gay?
Girl: No. I'm transgendered. I was born a boy biologically.
Me: Really? So was I.
Girl: I see.
Me: In a way, that gives us a lot in common. Guy stuff. Biological guy stuff.
Girl: that's the problem, though. I'm just not a guy.
Me: See, I thought you said you were. (I don't always listen that well. I think it's because conversations seem to go on longer than I ever expect them to. I wonder if it's that ADD everyone talks about. It could be. I should totally go see a doctor)
Girl: Biologically, I was. You see, sometimes your body can be one sex and your brain is another one.
Me: So you liked boys and wanted to be a girl?
Girl: No. That's a common misconception. I actually like girls. But I also AM a girl. In every way that counts. I close my eyes and I know exactly what I am. I just wanted to change my body so it's more true- so it accurately reflects me.
Me: Like when I cut my hair so I wouldn't feel like a hippy?
Girl: Almost completely unlike that, but you get the idea. I know who I am. It's not about who I like and what I looked like. It was about who I was inside.
Me: So if this Bratwurst were totally raw inside but cooked on the outside, it would still be considered raw by the health department?
Girl: Well. Actually. Yes. That's an interesting way to look at it.
Me: But you don't work for the health department?
Girl: No.
Me: Have a Bratwurst. (I used to think that cooking was easy. It's not. You have to plan your surface. You can't just throw a bunch of sausages up there and expect anything. You have to know how long the polish takes, how long the bratwurst takes, how many times to turn the fajitas over on this side. This is not easy and charring is an omnipresent problem. But we learn as we go along, how to manage our cooking surface, just as an astronaut learns how to navigate the surface of the moon. I totally want to be an astronaut.
Guy: Hey, man. Did you know your hand is on the grill.
Me: Eek. That's what that smell was. It's kind of Porky. What can I get you?
Guy: Nothing from that side of the grill. I just wanted a hamburger.
Me: Cool. Let me guess. Gay?
Guy: Naw. I'm really Bi.
Me: So you're like the questioning guy over there?
Guy: Him? No. I know exactly who I like. I just don't think that gender is that important if I care about someone.
Me: So it doesn't matter if the person is a guy or a girl?
Guy: Not really to me. If I think someone is a great, attractive, interesting, funny person, I will probably be interested in them.
Me: Hey, that's how I feel.
Guy: The only difference is that for me, attractive includes guys and girls. Other than that, I'm probably the same as you.
Me: The same as me? (I like this idea. Having someone like me. Just like me. We can shop together and wear matching outfits and everyone will think "Hey, who is that guy and how come I'm seeing two of him?")
Guy: Except for the little blackouts you keep having, we're really probably the same.
Me: So, do all bi people just feel that way?
Guy: No, some are more attracted to one sex or the other. I'm starting to realize that all the labels we use are just for convenience, that human sexuality is just like a range and we all find ourselves somewhere on that range.
Me: Just like my cooking surface here. We're all here, some of us on this side of the grill, some on this side, some towards the middle. It's really beautiful
Guy: You should really get that hand looked at. It's looking kinda beefy.
Me: I'll be fine. I did this last year, too. Just keep the dogs away. You know, I feel like I learned some stuff today.
Guy: And I got a hamburger.
Me: And this guy here got a hamburger (facing the camera). One day, maybe, we'll all have our GLBTBBQ, Straight people, Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, transgendered, Questioning, all of us. Together,just like on my grill, Bratwursts and burgers and Corn. A wide world of culinary delight, diverse and succulent, tasty and filling. Waiting to be washed down with a cold drink on a hot day while stuff gets blown up.
Guy: You are the strangest guy I have ever met.
Me: Thank you.
Let's hear it for independence.
So, given that it's independence day, I choose to celebrate independence from hatred and fear and throw my annual GLBTBBQ- a Barbeque to celebrate and honor the Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and Questioning friends of mine who enjoy burned food.
Here's the problem. When you are the barbeque-master, everyone seems to feel like they can ask you probing questions about life. Just because you have a pokey thing in your hand (I forget what it's called), everyone thinks you are the expert. I am the expert, of course, on burning food. Everything else, not so much.
So here I am, Pokey thing in hand and everybody has questions. Some of them go like this:
Dude: Hey man. Do you have any non meat stuff?
Me: Like meat made out of something non-meaty?
Dude: Something like that.
Me: So if they made animals out of something totally different than animal insides?
Dude: I'll just have the potato salad.
Me: Good call. So what's your problem?
Dude: What'dyou mean?
Me: Everyone has a problem here.
Dude: I'm totally cool
Me: Really?
Dude: Except for those tongs in my face
Me: Thank you, they're called tongs. I was looking for that word. I was calling it a pokey thing. So you're gay?
Dude: I don't really know
Me: How can you not know? Here let me check your ID.
Dude: It does not say it on my ID
Me: Did you ever look? (Honestly, I never did either. I wonder if it does say it on your ID. That would be weird.)
Dude: Look. Nowhere. (Holds up ID. Funny. This guy looks exactly like his picture. That almost never happens)
Me: It says you're an organ donor. It says what blood type you are and that you're a guy. It has your eye color and everything. I wonder why it doesn't say if you're gay or not.
Dude: I think it's because I don't even know. I'm the "Q" in GLBTQ.
Me: Wow. Crazy letter. So you're questioning, right?
Dude: Right. I don't know what I am. I'm looking for a way to think about myself that makes sense to me. The rest of me is all worked out. I know what I like to do, I know what I'm good at, etc. I'm just not 100% positive that any particular label applies to me right now.
Me: So, you're not questioning anything else? Just your sexual preference. (I feel bad about this. I have answers to a lot of things, but not this. I know State capitals like you wouldn't believe. Not many people know this but Tallahassee is actually the State Capital for Florida. A lot of people think it's Miami. It's so not Miami. Or Fort Lauderdale, or one of those other School Break frolic places, like Tampa. I remember when I was in College and we went down to Tampa. What a great time. I got sunburn all over my chest and the whole thing peeled in one big piece afterwards. It was like a snake shedding its skin. It was crazy. I would so like to buy a snake. I wonder if they're hard to feed.)
Dude: Hey, man. Your shirt is on fire.
Me: Eek.
Dude: I just thought you'd like to know.
Me: Sorry, I just sometimes get lost in my own head. It may not look like much but there's a lot going on in there.
Dude: Tell me about it. That's why I think I'll be a "Q" for a long time still. It's a process I have to take and it's through some pretty complicated territory.
Me: So you could be a "Q" for years?
Dude: I could be one my whole life. But that's not a bad thing. At a certain point I decided that I was more than a label and so I gave myself "permission" to be me and see where it went. I'm just watching and paying attention to me now. I think if you want to be happy, you might have to make a deal with yourself not to expect answers too soon or too fast.
Me: I can see that. I'm kinda the same way with movies. I think I like slasher movies but I don't know for sure. Last week I saw that horrible Freddy Versus Jason movie. I thought I was going to vomit. Really. I think I'm on to romantic comedies for a while. How about one of these Corns? These are just made out of corn- no animals.
Dude: Thanks. Is that a Tofu Burger there?
Me: Yeah. So, wait, Tofus aren't animals. (Here, I have to admit, I totally thought tofus were animals. I remember watching this discovery channel thingie about free range tofus and they were charging around this wide open plain area on their stubby little square white feet, trampling the widening grass beneath them and lifting their majestic mouths to the heavens to call out "Marooooo". But it's possible that was a dream I had after I had that Tofu Lard Nar at the Thai place on the corner, which is, by the way, fantastic and not too expensive)
Girl: Hey, are you okay?
Me: Me? Yup. Where"s that dude go?
Girl: I don't know. I've been standing here for about 5 minutes watching you galloping on an imaginary horse. You know you have a fork sticking out of your arm.
Me: Eek. Wow. How did I not feel that? Crazy. You want one of these Bratwursts? I just love to say that word.
Girl: Sure.
Me: Let me guess, you're Gay?
Girl: No. I'm transgendered. I was born a boy biologically.
Me: Really? So was I.
Girl: I see.
Me: In a way, that gives us a lot in common. Guy stuff. Biological guy stuff.
Girl: that's the problem, though. I'm just not a guy.
Me: See, I thought you said you were. (I don't always listen that well. I think it's because conversations seem to go on longer than I ever expect them to. I wonder if it's that ADD everyone talks about. It could be. I should totally go see a doctor)
Girl: Biologically, I was. You see, sometimes your body can be one sex and your brain is another one.
Me: So you liked boys and wanted to be a girl?
Girl: No. That's a common misconception. I actually like girls. But I also AM a girl. In every way that counts. I close my eyes and I know exactly what I am. I just wanted to change my body so it's more true- so it accurately reflects me.
Me: Like when I cut my hair so I wouldn't feel like a hippy?
Girl: Almost completely unlike that, but you get the idea. I know who I am. It's not about who I like and what I looked like. It was about who I was inside.
Me: So if this Bratwurst were totally raw inside but cooked on the outside, it would still be considered raw by the health department?
Girl: Well. Actually. Yes. That's an interesting way to look at it.
Me: But you don't work for the health department?
Girl: No.
Me: Have a Bratwurst. (I used to think that cooking was easy. It's not. You have to plan your surface. You can't just throw a bunch of sausages up there and expect anything. You have to know how long the polish takes, how long the bratwurst takes, how many times to turn the fajitas over on this side. This is not easy and charring is an omnipresent problem. But we learn as we go along, how to manage our cooking surface, just as an astronaut learns how to navigate the surface of the moon. I totally want to be an astronaut.
Guy: Hey, man. Did you know your hand is on the grill.
Me: Eek. That's what that smell was. It's kind of Porky. What can I get you?
Guy: Nothing from that side of the grill. I just wanted a hamburger.
Me: Cool. Let me guess. Gay?
Guy: Naw. I'm really Bi.
Me: So you're like the questioning guy over there?
Guy: Him? No. I know exactly who I like. I just don't think that gender is that important if I care about someone.
Me: So it doesn't matter if the person is a guy or a girl?
Guy: Not really to me. If I think someone is a great, attractive, interesting, funny person, I will probably be interested in them.
Me: Hey, that's how I feel.
Guy: The only difference is that for me, attractive includes guys and girls. Other than that, I'm probably the same as you.
Me: The same as me? (I like this idea. Having someone like me. Just like me. We can shop together and wear matching outfits and everyone will think "Hey, who is that guy and how come I'm seeing two of him?")
Guy: Except for the little blackouts you keep having, we're really probably the same.
Me: So, do all bi people just feel that way?
Guy: No, some are more attracted to one sex or the other. I'm starting to realize that all the labels we use are just for convenience, that human sexuality is just like a range and we all find ourselves somewhere on that range.
Me: Just like my cooking surface here. We're all here, some of us on this side of the grill, some on this side, some towards the middle. It's really beautiful
Guy: You should really get that hand looked at. It's looking kinda beefy.
Me: I'll be fine. I did this last year, too. Just keep the dogs away. You know, I feel like I learned some stuff today.
Guy: And I got a hamburger.
Me: And this guy here got a hamburger (facing the camera). One day, maybe, we'll all have our GLBTBBQ, Straight people, Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, transgendered, Questioning, all of us. Together,just like on my grill, Bratwursts and burgers and Corn. A wide world of culinary delight, diverse and succulent, tasty and filling. Waiting to be washed down with a cold drink on a hot day while stuff gets blown up.
Guy: You are the strangest guy I have ever met.
Me: Thank you.
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