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Restore your Virginity, the internet spam way.
So I"m reading through some emails last week, wondering what all the Nigerians are up to, and it occurs to me: I never get email from people I know anymore. For some reason, it's all from the new, exciting "spam friends" I've made, nearly accidentally, while searching the web for other things. I have spam friends who want to help me purchase real estate. I have spam friends who want to get me low low refinance loans. I have spam friends who want to help me increase my bust size and the length of my little friend (in reality, it would probably be only one or the other there I would go for). I have spam friends that want to help me find guys and girls in my area who like me.
Now, this is where my real friends have fallen down on the job. Why don't my real friends want to help me increase the size of my private parts? How come my real friends don't want to help introduce me to guys and girls in my area? Where are my real friends when it comes time to secure me that low refinance loan at a special introductory rate? And how come my real friends never hook me up with sweet deals to transfer millions of dollars from African Banks?
If you're like me, you've stopped even spending time with your real friends. Lately I just don't feel like they've got my best interests at heart anywhere near as much as my spam friends. My real friends are annoying. They always ask for stuff and require that I pay for my own dinner. My spam friends never require anything from me. In fact, I don't even ever have to call them back or email them. They write me anyway. My spam friends aren't perfect. I don't remember the last time I went to see a movie with one of them or just hung out and watched television with one, but they are, mostly, there for me when I need them.
And the one thing I have learned from my spam friends is that whatever is wrong today- whatever problem I see in front of me - it's fixable. Say what you want about those constant trickling emails, each one with a call to action stamped across the top of them, but they are positive and hopeful. Every spam email I get leaves me with the most important truth of all- If I don't like something in my life today, I can fix it. And even if the answer is usually "Buy this product" or "Join this site" or " Apply here to find out more", there IS an answer. My real life friends were never this focused or this involved in helping me fix my life. Sure, they might listen, or sympathize, but when it comes right down to it, are they giving me real answers for how to solve my problems? Not really.
And we all have real problems. Problems that want to be solved. Let's just throw one out there, why don't we. Many people in this country, and it's amazing to think of it, share this problem:
They're just not virgins anymore.
Maybe they thought it would be a good idea to have sex and then thought twice about it afterward. Maybe they got caught up in something that they couldn't stop until it went too far. Maybe they're just a different person right now than they were when they lost it, but many people want their virginity back. And your real friends can't help you here. There is no magic virginity restorative potion that your buddy happens to have in his bathroom. There is no exercise routine that can help you restore your virginity so that the next girl or guy who asks you "am I the first" will hear the answer you might want to give. It doesn't happen that way.
But my spam friends seem to understand something that I'm just figuring out right now. My spam friends who tell me that I can increase the size of any part of my body if I want, be a millionaire if I desire it, Attract members of the opposite sex today or work from home and never report to a boss ever again, are the kind of people who never accept no for an answer. I often imagine how they might respond to a problem like this.
Restore your virginity today
That"s right, you don't have to go through life carrying the burden of past relationships anymore. New medically proven techniques take years off your sex life in all the right places by instantly restoring you to a pre-intercourse state. You will be a 100% certified virgin again, ready to get out in the dating world fresh and clean as the day you started. Act now and receive a free anti-mistake cream that can reverse the effects of other mistakes you may have made in the past. Get rid of that scar from when your best friend stabbed you with a pencil in 3rd grade. Lose forever that annoying discoloration on your thigh from when you experimented with quick tanning lotion and Nair when you were 15. Wipe away every mistake you ever made until...
Here's where things get interesting. I don't know what comes after the until. What happens after I wipe away every mistake I ever made? Am I perfect then? This is where the real downside of my spam friends sort of kicks in. They never really answer questions the way I would hope they would. I want to ask them all what happens after I make every mistake I ever made go away. What if I do lose all that weight and fix my credit, and change my personality and get a better memory and, well...
Change into someone else.
What happens then? I wonder if that new person is going to get up tomorrow and make better decisions, change the world, continue being just better than the person I am now. After all, that person isn't going to have to deal with the regret and the memories of the bad decisions, problems and hassles I have to. That person will be just like the person I was before I made those decisions in the first place.
Ok, I'm starting to see the flaw in this line of thinking. But it's time to get on with the point of this. How to restore your virginity. If you can do these wonderful things my spam friends assure me you can, why CAN'T you restore your virginity. Why CAN'T you undo what you did last night, last week, last year, and be something else entirely? I need to channel that can-do attitude I see in my inbox every day and make this happen for me today. I see the email now a little more like this:
Restore your virginity today
Regretting that decision you made last year to have sex? Wishing you could say today that you're saving yourself for the right person or the right time. Look no further. You have the power within yourself to be a NEW VIRGIN today. Don't feel pressured to have sex just because you've done it before already. Don't feel obligated to sleep with someone because you did it in your last relationship and now it's just what you do. Make every decision to have sex a NEW VIRGINITY decision. Find out how...
And when you click on that link, where does it go? Maybe it's to one of my spam friends explaining how we sometimes spend so much time on the decision to lose our virginity, consider it, anguish over it, but we don't put so much effort into the second time. Or the third. Or the 30th. My spam friends might have the easiest answer of all. Of course, you would have to register to get this information. Give them your name and social security number, credit card number and the email addresses of 3 friends, because nothing is free. I'm not looking for a handout. But maybe the answer is really this simple. How to be a new virgin. Maybe the answer is one of those things that doesn't require a cream or a lotion or a blue pill. Something I can do all by myself.
Make every time important, not just the first...
Now, this is where my real friends have fallen down on the job. Why don't my real friends want to help me increase the size of my private parts? How come my real friends don't want to help introduce me to guys and girls in my area? Where are my real friends when it comes time to secure me that low refinance loan at a special introductory rate? And how come my real friends never hook me up with sweet deals to transfer millions of dollars from African Banks?
If you're like me, you've stopped even spending time with your real friends. Lately I just don't feel like they've got my best interests at heart anywhere near as much as my spam friends. My real friends are annoying. They always ask for stuff and require that I pay for my own dinner. My spam friends never require anything from me. In fact, I don't even ever have to call them back or email them. They write me anyway. My spam friends aren't perfect. I don't remember the last time I went to see a movie with one of them or just hung out and watched television with one, but they are, mostly, there for me when I need them.
And the one thing I have learned from my spam friends is that whatever is wrong today- whatever problem I see in front of me - it's fixable. Say what you want about those constant trickling emails, each one with a call to action stamped across the top of them, but they are positive and hopeful. Every spam email I get leaves me with the most important truth of all- If I don't like something in my life today, I can fix it. And even if the answer is usually "Buy this product" or "Join this site" or " Apply here to find out more", there IS an answer. My real life friends were never this focused or this involved in helping me fix my life. Sure, they might listen, or sympathize, but when it comes right down to it, are they giving me real answers for how to solve my problems? Not really.
And we all have real problems. Problems that want to be solved. Let's just throw one out there, why don't we. Many people in this country, and it's amazing to think of it, share this problem:
They're just not virgins anymore.
Maybe they thought it would be a good idea to have sex and then thought twice about it afterward. Maybe they got caught up in something that they couldn't stop until it went too far. Maybe they're just a different person right now than they were when they lost it, but many people want their virginity back. And your real friends can't help you here. There is no magic virginity restorative potion that your buddy happens to have in his bathroom. There is no exercise routine that can help you restore your virginity so that the next girl or guy who asks you "am I the first" will hear the answer you might want to give. It doesn't happen that way.
But my spam friends seem to understand something that I'm just figuring out right now. My spam friends who tell me that I can increase the size of any part of my body if I want, be a millionaire if I desire it, Attract members of the opposite sex today or work from home and never report to a boss ever again, are the kind of people who never accept no for an answer. I often imagine how they might respond to a problem like this.
Restore your virginity today
That"s right, you don't have to go through life carrying the burden of past relationships anymore. New medically proven techniques take years off your sex life in all the right places by instantly restoring you to a pre-intercourse state. You will be a 100% certified virgin again, ready to get out in the dating world fresh and clean as the day you started. Act now and receive a free anti-mistake cream that can reverse the effects of other mistakes you may have made in the past. Get rid of that scar from when your best friend stabbed you with a pencil in 3rd grade. Lose forever that annoying discoloration on your thigh from when you experimented with quick tanning lotion and Nair when you were 15. Wipe away every mistake you ever made until...
Here's where things get interesting. I don't know what comes after the until. What happens after I wipe away every mistake I ever made? Am I perfect then? This is where the real downside of my spam friends sort of kicks in. They never really answer questions the way I would hope they would. I want to ask them all what happens after I make every mistake I ever made go away. What if I do lose all that weight and fix my credit, and change my personality and get a better memory and, well...
Change into someone else.
What happens then? I wonder if that new person is going to get up tomorrow and make better decisions, change the world, continue being just better than the person I am now. After all, that person isn't going to have to deal with the regret and the memories of the bad decisions, problems and hassles I have to. That person will be just like the person I was before I made those decisions in the first place.
Ok, I'm starting to see the flaw in this line of thinking. But it's time to get on with the point of this. How to restore your virginity. If you can do these wonderful things my spam friends assure me you can, why CAN'T you restore your virginity. Why CAN'T you undo what you did last night, last week, last year, and be something else entirely? I need to channel that can-do attitude I see in my inbox every day and make this happen for me today. I see the email now a little more like this:
Restore your virginity today
Regretting that decision you made last year to have sex? Wishing you could say today that you're saving yourself for the right person or the right time. Look no further. You have the power within yourself to be a NEW VIRGIN today. Don't feel pressured to have sex just because you've done it before already. Don't feel obligated to sleep with someone because you did it in your last relationship and now it's just what you do. Make every decision to have sex a NEW VIRGINITY decision. Find out how...
And when you click on that link, where does it go? Maybe it's to one of my spam friends explaining how we sometimes spend so much time on the decision to lose our virginity, consider it, anguish over it, but we don't put so much effort into the second time. Or the third. Or the 30th. My spam friends might have the easiest answer of all. Of course, you would have to register to get this information. Give them your name and social security number, credit card number and the email addresses of 3 friends, because nothing is free. I'm not looking for a handout. But maybe the answer is really this simple. How to be a new virgin. Maybe the answer is one of those things that doesn't require a cream or a lotion or a blue pill. Something I can do all by myself.
Make every time important, not just the first...
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