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My time with the STD Genie.
I used to live on the sea when I was young. Not directly on top of the sea, but in a small wooden house on the seashore. No human lives right on the sea, unless they"re in a boat. Don't push me. I'm trying to tell a story.
At any rate, one of the fondest memories of my childhood was not Christmas that year that I almost got a pony or Halloween that one year I superglued plastic glow in the dark vampire teeth into my mouth. And even though I will always remember vividly the time that one summer I tried to NAIR my whole body so I could look like the guy from "Powder", it's not what comes to mind instantly when I think of my childhood. I think my fondest memory was of the time I spent with the STD Genie.
Oh. You never met the STD Genie? Short guy dressed in powder blue? Giant handlebar mustache and pointy shoes? Ok, well, I guess I didn't expect you guys had met. As I discovered, only I can really see him when he comes to visit me. I guess I just wanted to know if he came to see anyone else, too. The first time we met was years ago, on the coast near my childhood home. It was a beautiful July evening, warm and brightly lit by the moon. There were so many stars in the sky. I was out for an evening walk, skipping stones down by the sea, thinking about all the life out there in the water. Jellyfish and stingrays and things I flushed down the toilet that eventually got bigger and now might be coming back seeking revenge of some kind- the sea is teaming with life like this. I bent over and let an ant crawl on my hand. I had never flushed this ant so I felt safe.
I was so relaxed, I just tripped right over it. When I rolled over to see if I'd broken anything, there it was, right in front of my face. The bottle. I didn't think before I grabbed it. It was a beautiful, aged green glass bottle, with a stopper in it made of elaborate green and black glass and tiny bumps and carvings all over it. I know what you're thinking and I was thinking the same thing. What a great bottle to put bugs in and confuse the heck out of them. I popped the top open and let the ant climb into the bottle.
All of a sudden, I heard a screech. I panicked and dropped the bottle, diving into a sand dune about 3 feet away. The yell sounded high-pitched and far away. I heard words mixed into the screaming. The words, I later realized, were "rub it!" You have to admit that this is not the command you hear every day. I grabbed the bottle, realizing it was the source of the screaming, and went to throw it into the sea, when I realized what the words were. As if to test, I quickly rubbed the bottle with my other hand. Suddenly, a thick billowy cloud of smoke arose from the neck of the bottle. Unable to stop myself, I completed the gesture and threw the green glass bottle far out into the sea.
Genie: Dude. I live there.
Me: Aaah. Who are you?
Genie: I"m the homeless guy you just attacked with a giant insect
Me: What are you talking about?
Genie: Well, first you pick me up and wake me up from my nap, then you drop a giant ant into my house, then you activate my flood insurance bigtime, for which I have a hefty deductible, thank you.
Me: That was just a little ant.
Genie: Well, up until a few seconds ago, I was just a little guy. Did I do anything to you? Did I attack you with insects and pour salt water into your all wood 5 person deluxe spa/sauna?
Me: You have one of those?
Genie: I did. Olympic sized pool. And a master kitchen you would die for.
Me: I'm sorry.
Genie: It's a tough time for regrets now, buddy. Homeless Genie. That's me.
Me: So you're a real genie?
Genie: It was the homeless part I wanted some support for but, yes, I'm a real genie.
Me: Wow. That's so cool.
Genie: I guess it is. Hey, do you have anything I could put on this GIANT INSECT BITE?
Me: Sorry. Really. I'm so sorry.
Genie: It's all right. How could you know. No one believes anymore.
Me: This is so cool. I can't wait to tell everyone. Are you coming over for dinner?
Genie: Dinner? Dude. Until I get another bottle, I live with you. I hope you don't mind snoring.
Me: Hey. I just realized. Don't I get something?
Genie: What?
Me: For letting you out of the bottle. What do I get?
Genie: Oh yeah. Human, for letting me out of my bottle, I hereby grant you three sexually transmitted diseases.
Me: Sexually.... Hey. What about the three wishes?
Genie: Wishes? Oh Herb. Herb gives away wishes. That's his shtick. He's all about wishes. Three wishes he gives out. All of us Genies give out different things. Some give out wishes, some give out money, One of my friends, Leo gives away three Boboli pizzas. So easy to make yet so delicious.
Me: I don't want any sexually transmitted diseases.
Genie: and some people hate boboli pizzas, too, but a rule is a rule. It's time to choose.
Me: Choose what?
Genie: What diseases you want?
Me: I don't want any diseases.
Genie: I've heard that before.
Me: I really mean it, though. I don't want any diseases. Look, does anyone want one?
Genie: Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much.
Me: I can't think of a single reason why I would want a disease.
Genie: well, just because you can't think of one doesn't mean there aren't any good reasons.
Me: This is insane.
Genie: Look, some of these can be cured right up.
Me: Is that a wand?
Genie: Magic wand, baby
Me: Can you point that somewhere else?
Genie: Choose or I choose for you.
Me: Wait. Can you give me a list? Tell me a little.
Genie: are you stalling?
Me: No, really. How can I choose if I don't know?
Genie: hmmm. Ok. I can run down the big 8. These are the ones to talk about usually. Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, Herpes, HIV, HPV, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis. They're all treatable. Some can be cured. Think fast.
Me: Aaah. Can you... Can you tell me something about them...?
Genie: Fair enough. We start with Chlamydia. An infection of the genital area. You may have a yellowish discharge or pain when urinating. If left untreated, could cause infertility and scrotal swelling.
Me: I sort of hate those words when put together like that. That particular order.
Genie: Can be cured with Antibiotics. This one's curable. Remember that.
Me: Still gross.
Genie: Gonorrhea. May have white, green, or yellow discharge, pain when urinating, bleeding between periods, heavy bleeding during a period or a fever, sore throat, sore privates, etc. Also curable. A few antibiotics.
Me: Why did I go out today?
Genie: Look, I didn't ask to be dragged out of my comfy bottle, either.
Me: Can't we just give me some hives for a few days and call it a day?
Genie: Hepatitis-B is one of my favorites.
Me: and yet, here you sit, alone in a bottle on a Saturday night. How odd.
Genie: Now, why's it got to be like that?
Me: Sorry. Go on.
Genie: usually a blood disease in transmission, you may get tired easily. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Getting checked regularly after sexual contact is a good idea. Not curable but treatable.
Me: I'll pass on the incurable ones, thank you.
Genie: Then you won't like the next 3 so much. Herpes is fun.
Me: I bet no one has ever said that exact sentence before.
Genie Sore, Blisters, Headaches possibly. Usually you notice a tingling in the infected area. It can't be cured, but you can get treatment.
Me: Oh, joy. Why couldn't I have found the Boboli Pizza Genie instead?
Genie: HIV is the virus that causes AIDS. Symptoms may take years to be seen. Maybe fevers and infections, feeling tired for no reason, and night sweats, colds that last for way too long. Pneumonia..
Me: I get it. Incurable?
Genie: Yes, but treatments have gotten much more effective. Essentially, it's better to know than to be in the dark, so you can get treated.
Me: So, can I get one as a Boboli Pizza?
Genie: And HPV- Human papillomavirus can cause small usually painless warts around the infected area. No cure but you can be treated and the warts can be removed. This can lead to cancer.
Me: Wow. I really thought a walk on the beach was going to be fun tonight.
Genie: Syphilis can just disappear and you never know you have it. Years later it can cause brain problems. A quick antibiotic treatment can clear it up, though.
Me: Okay. That one sounds not too bad.
Genie: You get a chancre sore on your privates.
Me: ok, yuk. I need to get you back in that bottle.
Genie: How about Trichomoniasis? Green-Yellow frothy discharge and pain when you urinate. Some antibiotics and it's all gone.
Me: Where's the top of that bottle?
Genie: Look, I'm not going back in there. Do you have any idea how tight it is in there?
Me: Aha. Found it.
Well, I eventually got the Genie back in the bottle. I'm pretty sure the way I reintroduced him into the bottle was not the genie approved way, but I had had pretty much enough of him by then. Years went by and I remember a lot about that summer. He managed to give me a blistering case of Trichomoniasis before I got him back in the bottle and I though about him as I finished up my antibiotic treatments, a little more fondly now that I had less trouble urinating. I wonder where he is now and who he's infecting. I think my little STD lesson really left me with some lasting memories. I do know this much:
Do not touch any strange things on the beach. You don't know where they've been.
At any rate, one of the fondest memories of my childhood was not Christmas that year that I almost got a pony or Halloween that one year I superglued plastic glow in the dark vampire teeth into my mouth. And even though I will always remember vividly the time that one summer I tried to NAIR my whole body so I could look like the guy from "Powder", it's not what comes to mind instantly when I think of my childhood. I think my fondest memory was of the time I spent with the STD Genie.
Oh. You never met the STD Genie? Short guy dressed in powder blue? Giant handlebar mustache and pointy shoes? Ok, well, I guess I didn't expect you guys had met. As I discovered, only I can really see him when he comes to visit me. I guess I just wanted to know if he came to see anyone else, too. The first time we met was years ago, on the coast near my childhood home. It was a beautiful July evening, warm and brightly lit by the moon. There were so many stars in the sky. I was out for an evening walk, skipping stones down by the sea, thinking about all the life out there in the water. Jellyfish and stingrays and things I flushed down the toilet that eventually got bigger and now might be coming back seeking revenge of some kind- the sea is teaming with life like this. I bent over and let an ant crawl on my hand. I had never flushed this ant so I felt safe.
I was so relaxed, I just tripped right over it. When I rolled over to see if I'd broken anything, there it was, right in front of my face. The bottle. I didn't think before I grabbed it. It was a beautiful, aged green glass bottle, with a stopper in it made of elaborate green and black glass and tiny bumps and carvings all over it. I know what you're thinking and I was thinking the same thing. What a great bottle to put bugs in and confuse the heck out of them. I popped the top open and let the ant climb into the bottle.
All of a sudden, I heard a screech. I panicked and dropped the bottle, diving into a sand dune about 3 feet away. The yell sounded high-pitched and far away. I heard words mixed into the screaming. The words, I later realized, were "rub it!" You have to admit that this is not the command you hear every day. I grabbed the bottle, realizing it was the source of the screaming, and went to throw it into the sea, when I realized what the words were. As if to test, I quickly rubbed the bottle with my other hand. Suddenly, a thick billowy cloud of smoke arose from the neck of the bottle. Unable to stop myself, I completed the gesture and threw the green glass bottle far out into the sea.
Genie: Dude. I live there.
Me: Aaah. Who are you?
Genie: I"m the homeless guy you just attacked with a giant insect
Me: What are you talking about?
Genie: Well, first you pick me up and wake me up from my nap, then you drop a giant ant into my house, then you activate my flood insurance bigtime, for which I have a hefty deductible, thank you.
Me: That was just a little ant.
Genie: Well, up until a few seconds ago, I was just a little guy. Did I do anything to you? Did I attack you with insects and pour salt water into your all wood 5 person deluxe spa/sauna?
Me: You have one of those?
Genie: I did. Olympic sized pool. And a master kitchen you would die for.
Me: I'm sorry.
Genie: It's a tough time for regrets now, buddy. Homeless Genie. That's me.
Me: So you're a real genie?
Genie: It was the homeless part I wanted some support for but, yes, I'm a real genie.
Me: Wow. That's so cool.
Genie: I guess it is. Hey, do you have anything I could put on this GIANT INSECT BITE?
Me: Sorry. Really. I'm so sorry.
Genie: It's all right. How could you know. No one believes anymore.
Me: This is so cool. I can't wait to tell everyone. Are you coming over for dinner?
Genie: Dinner? Dude. Until I get another bottle, I live with you. I hope you don't mind snoring.
Me: Hey. I just realized. Don't I get something?
Genie: What?
Me: For letting you out of the bottle. What do I get?
Genie: Oh yeah. Human, for letting me out of my bottle, I hereby grant you three sexually transmitted diseases.
Me: Sexually.... Hey. What about the three wishes?
Genie: Wishes? Oh Herb. Herb gives away wishes. That's his shtick. He's all about wishes. Three wishes he gives out. All of us Genies give out different things. Some give out wishes, some give out money, One of my friends, Leo gives away three Boboli pizzas. So easy to make yet so delicious.
Me: I don't want any sexually transmitted diseases.
Genie: and some people hate boboli pizzas, too, but a rule is a rule. It's time to choose.
Me: Choose what?
Genie: What diseases you want?
Me: I don't want any diseases.
Genie: I've heard that before.
Me: I really mean it, though. I don't want any diseases. Look, does anyone want one?
Genie: Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much.
Me: I can't think of a single reason why I would want a disease.
Genie: well, just because you can't think of one doesn't mean there aren't any good reasons.
Me: This is insane.
Genie: Look, some of these can be cured right up.
Me: Is that a wand?
Genie: Magic wand, baby
Me: Can you point that somewhere else?
Genie: Choose or I choose for you.
Me: Wait. Can you give me a list? Tell me a little.
Genie: are you stalling?
Me: No, really. How can I choose if I don't know?
Genie: hmmm. Ok. I can run down the big 8. These are the ones to talk about usually. Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, Herpes, HIV, HPV, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis. They're all treatable. Some can be cured. Think fast.
Me: Aaah. Can you... Can you tell me something about them...?
Genie: Fair enough. We start with Chlamydia. An infection of the genital area. You may have a yellowish discharge or pain when urinating. If left untreated, could cause infertility and scrotal swelling.
Me: I sort of hate those words when put together like that. That particular order.
Genie: Can be cured with Antibiotics. This one's curable. Remember that.
Me: Still gross.
Genie: Gonorrhea. May have white, green, or yellow discharge, pain when urinating, bleeding between periods, heavy bleeding during a period or a fever, sore throat, sore privates, etc. Also curable. A few antibiotics.
Me: Why did I go out today?
Genie: Look, I didn't ask to be dragged out of my comfy bottle, either.
Me: Can't we just give me some hives for a few days and call it a day?
Genie: Hepatitis-B is one of my favorites.
Me: and yet, here you sit, alone in a bottle on a Saturday night. How odd.
Genie: Now, why's it got to be like that?
Me: Sorry. Go on.
Genie: usually a blood disease in transmission, you may get tired easily. Sometimes it's hard to tell. Getting checked regularly after sexual contact is a good idea. Not curable but treatable.
Me: I'll pass on the incurable ones, thank you.
Genie: Then you won't like the next 3 so much. Herpes is fun.
Me: I bet no one has ever said that exact sentence before.
Genie Sore, Blisters, Headaches possibly. Usually you notice a tingling in the infected area. It can't be cured, but you can get treatment.
Me: Oh, joy. Why couldn't I have found the Boboli Pizza Genie instead?
Genie: HIV is the virus that causes AIDS. Symptoms may take years to be seen. Maybe fevers and infections, feeling tired for no reason, and night sweats, colds that last for way too long. Pneumonia..
Me: I get it. Incurable?
Genie: Yes, but treatments have gotten much more effective. Essentially, it's better to know than to be in the dark, so you can get treated.
Me: So, can I get one as a Boboli Pizza?
Genie: And HPV- Human papillomavirus can cause small usually painless warts around the infected area. No cure but you can be treated and the warts can be removed. This can lead to cancer.
Me: Wow. I really thought a walk on the beach was going to be fun tonight.
Genie: Syphilis can just disappear and you never know you have it. Years later it can cause brain problems. A quick antibiotic treatment can clear it up, though.
Me: Okay. That one sounds not too bad.
Genie: You get a chancre sore on your privates.
Me: ok, yuk. I need to get you back in that bottle.
Genie: How about Trichomoniasis? Green-Yellow frothy discharge and pain when you urinate. Some antibiotics and it's all gone.
Me: Where's the top of that bottle?
Genie: Look, I'm not going back in there. Do you have any idea how tight it is in there?
Me: Aha. Found it.
Well, I eventually got the Genie back in the bottle. I'm pretty sure the way I reintroduced him into the bottle was not the genie approved way, but I had had pretty much enough of him by then. Years went by and I remember a lot about that summer. He managed to give me a blistering case of Trichomoniasis before I got him back in the bottle and I though about him as I finished up my antibiotic treatments, a little more fondly now that I had less trouble urinating. I wonder where he is now and who he's infecting. I think my little STD lesson really left me with some lasting memories. I do know this much:
Do not touch any strange things on the beach. You don't know where they've been.
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