Switched-On Magazine

Hello. And welcome to the first installment of The Translator. My name is Ken and a few years ago, I realized that I had the mutant ability to translate anything just by shoving it down my pants for a few minutes. Right down my pants. Yes, it"s the world's crappiest superpower, but not everyone gets to be Spiderman. In fact, I hear that Spiderman came like this close to being bitten by a radioactive Termite instead and sitting around all day gnawing on remnants in the Home Depot Lumber department. He was in the right place at the right time. Even then, you have to make the best of what you have. Just like Spiderman, I know that with great power comes great responsibility. I have a tremendous responsibility to do good with what's in my pants.

All Right, get your mind out of the gutter. I know you don't believe me. Even I was shocked at first. I remember watching that monkey paw show and thinking "what good will come of this gift- the gift of pantsreading (this is what it is called by the professionals)." At first it was just a game to me. I was at a convenience store with a friend from high school and, as a joke, he shoved a twinkie in my pants to try and bust me for shoplifting. (I have to confess, I did this to him about a year earlier. It didn't end up the way I had hoped. I thought "Here's a funny joke, let's see him try to talk his way out of this one". 35,000 dollars in legal fees and 8 months in juvenile detention later, it's good to see he still has a sense of humor). Suddenly, as soon as the Twinkie was in my pants, I understood instinctively what a triglyceride was. It was eerie. You don't really need to know what's in those things. They don't even cook them.

Since then, I have tried to use my powers to help people. I tried translating for the UN but it was super hard to get all of those giant documents down my pants so now I keep to smaller things. What I noticed is that many people break up with people and really have no idea why they are doing what they're doing. So I started offering a new service.

Write me a little note, explaining your breakup and I'll stuff it down my pants and try and tell you what they hell you were thinking.

Of course, nothing is perfect, even my translation abilities. I could be wrong as often as I am right, but at least there is a possibility I'll get it. That is all my pants and I can offer.

So, all this aside, let's get to the first breakup.
Dear Pants-boy,

I had been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months. 2 weeks ago, I told him he was too good for me and I broke up with him. What the hell was I thinking?

Signed,
Not Good

Dear Good,

Thanks for the small note. I"ll get this right down my pants and think about it. First of all, the stationary is a little scratchy. No biggie.

We may not know what we mean by the word "good" when we say things like this. Did he treat you well, was honest, behaved a certain way? Very often, the word "good" doesn't mean "good" at all. Sometimes it means "your way" not "my way". My pants say that this breakup could have been saying "You are too much your way for me. I need to find my way. I can't follow the same rules you do and I feel bad making you follow mine, especially since I'm still looking for what they are."

What you might NOT have been saying is "I want to be treated badly, you treat me too well, so go away." No one wants to be treated badly. But sometimes they do need to take time and figure out how they want to be treated. My pants say that you might have been trying to take the time to find that out. Maybe "good" wasn't the issue.

Well, that was interesting. My pants are full of hope. Let's try another:



Dear psycho guy with the pants,

I just told my boyfriend that I wanted a commitment or we were going to break up. I know he doesn't want a commitment. He's very logical about that. Why did I just do that? I love this guy and want to be with him. Am I just stupid? What the hell am I thinking?

Thanks,
SnackChick

First off, I am no psycho. I tell my doctor this all the time.

Dear SnackChick,

You are probably not stupid. Let me get this into my pants and find out for sure. My Dockers know all.

Now, what if there's a part of you that knows what you really want? You like him and he is logical and reasonable, but for you, love may not be a reasonable and logical thing. Some people can be in a relationship with someone who says "I like you in a very reasonable and logical way" and that is great for them. Some people need something different. The fact that he IS logical about this may be what is making you want him to commit to you. My pants say you might want him to say "I don't care what I used to think, or what is logical. I need to be with you. I am in love with you that much." Maybe that part of you that knows what you want is giving you a sign that a logical and distant relationship isn't going to be enough for you. Maybe he IS a great guy but if he can't do what you need, you may end up happier by yourself where you can get what you want.

My pants say you are not stupid after all. You may just be taking care of what you need.



Dear Crazy Ken,

I just told my girlfriend that it's not her; it's me, and then broke up with her. She looked at me like I was an alien. I don't know what I was saying, either. Please tell me what I was thinking.

Sincerely,
Bob

Dear Bob,

I suppose in a way, I am crazy. I am crazy for pants-based truth. I am crazy to be there to help you. As soon as this little note slides right down in these pants, I'll have an answer for you.

Right now, there is a lot of paper in my pants so you'll have to give me a second. I know "It's not you; It's me" seems like a cop out, but sometimes it's really me. I mean you. I mean the person who said it. Sometimes it's really about finding something on your own and learning about yourself. What if you had things to work out- family problems, job, school, etc. and you wanted to take time to make good decisions. You'd have to know something about yourself to make those decisions. Now let's say you are in a relationship where you are changing yourself for someone else- changing to try and make them happy. You might have to make a choice. Do I take the time to be myself and make decisions based on me, or do I make confused decisions because I don't know who I am- because I'm in this relationship? As well, what do you do if you find out that you CAN'T be you in a relationship with someone and be you right now? It's a tough choice but that's what we have to do sometimes.

Maybe you made a good call. Maybe you WERE being honest when you said that thing that everyone uses as a cop out. My pants say it is possible.

I need to sit down. This is taking a lot out of me.

Dear Pantsie,

I have a great girlfriend and she rocks. She treats me great and she would never lie to me. I'm about to break up with her because she is boring me and I don't even know what I'm talking about. What am I talking about? What the hell am I thinking?

Love always,
Boring Me.

Dear Boring Me,

I like Pantsie. It's a nice name. ok, I placed this right there in the front of my pants and really concentrated. My pants keep telling me that the word "boring" is a highly charged word. What does it mean? Well, for you, it may mean that someone is not putting in any effort. You could be saying that this person isn't doing anything anymore to make you feel like she's working at it. She's not working to entertain you- to learn new things with you- to experiment with you- to grow with you.

People aren't naturally boring or interesting. It's not a single gene somewhere. It's what they do. Maybe you are dumping her not because of who she is but because of what she's not doing- bring interesting ideas, feelings and events into your relationship. Sometimes we forget that this is a job we have to do.



Well, that was interesting. I really want to get out there and find more things to translate. These pants are really a goldmine, actually. Lately, though, I've been thinking. What if these are just normal pants and what I can do is not really all that special at all. What if anyone can do this and all you need to do is listen to what people are saying and start off thinking that they aren't crazy. Without these pants, I know I sometimes begin a conversation thinking that the other guy's a nutcase. When I'm wearing these pants, though, maybe I am a little more willing to look deeper into what they are saying and assume that there is something there? Maybe I've gotten something special, rare and beautiful from these pants.

I should totally wash them soon.