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Great lessons from Stupid Movies by a disgruntled movie clerk
Hey, you. Yeah. Back here behind the counter.
Yes, I have an account here. Yes, I sometimes use it for evil and not for good. You want evil? Evil is ?Logan's Run?, a classic Sci Fi Film from the 70s that has more bad hair moments than a Black metal benefit show for Norelco hair dryers. But I sat through this movie again and again. Why? For you, man. For you. Let me make this clear, buddy. I watch bad movies so you don't have to.
Now, why does anyone have to watch these films? That's the tough part, Chester. The rule is this: In every movie, no matter how bad, there is a lesson to be learned. All of us, Video store clerks, 7-Eleven employees, Kinko's Copy people- all of us can't evolve to the next stage in our development as people until we experience and live these lessons. So here it is: Great lessons from Stupid Movies?
Ok. You don't need to be smart, you don't need to be wise, you don't even need a netflix account. You don't have to watch these crappy movies. Just let them roll over you, baby, like waves of human waste while you lie on the beach on Long Island. Sound good? It is, in fact, excellent. In fact, I can point out one major message and one minor message in every one of these truly craptastic films for you. You know it. Let's take a look at the contenders:
50 First Dates
In this movie, Adam Sandler plays a Sailor and Marine Biologist slacker who falls in love with Drew Barrymore. I know he was already in love with her from 'the Wedding Singer?, but let's not nitpick. The problem is that she has a special medical condition that makes it impossible for her to make new memories. So, every day he has to win her love all over again. He finally does get her family on his side and they all ship out onto the ocean with their small child on board somehow magically never falling into the ice cold fatal waters they choose to make their home, despite the pleas of child services.
Minor message: Adam Sandler is annoying. This is sort of a valuable life lesson here. He is annoying. Like stuffing razor blades in your ears annoying. But, he has a good heart. The minor message here is that being a good person, at heart, can actually make you bearable even though you may be the guy from ?Billy Madison?. Life lesson learned.
Major Message: Even if you are the weenie from ?Little Nicky?, you can get parents on your side. How? By working to win them over. Here, Drew Barrymore's dad and brother hate Adam Sandler, not just because they saw Happy Gilmore, but because they think he is only interested in taking advantage of her. He stays in the game and proves himself to them. A lot of people would have given up, but he shows them he really cares. He probably also brought over a tape of ?Punch Drunk Love?- a much superior film.
Star Wars Episode 3
In this movie, blah blah blah. Really, that's exactly what the synopsis says on the box I have at home. I think there may be one extra blah. This movie is terrible. A lot of things happen but no one cares because none of it makes any human sense. Anakin Skywalker kills everybody he had promised to protect 5 minutes earlier on the advice of someone he was going to kill 5 minutes before that just because he said he might be able to save his wife from dying because he saw it in a dream. Anakin Skywalker is a moron. You don't want Anakin Skywalker at your parties. At the end, he delivers a truly Homer-Simpson worthy scream because the guy who promised him he could save his wife turned out to be full of crap. Of course he still works for him. Why? Because Anakin Skywalker is a moron.
Minor Lesson: Anakin Skywalker is a moron. This is actually the lesson. In the earlier, previous and actually good films, he is Darth Vader, a towering and imposing figure of doom. He seems so evil yet intense and crazy smart. When you look at him for real, however, he is a moron. I will let this minor message wash over me. I no longer automatically believe that smart looking, put together, cool, tough people necessarily know what the hell is going on. They could be morons.
Major Lesson: Moron part 2. Actually, it's this. Anyone with half a brain could have figured out what Anakin could have done to fix his mistakes at each stage of the game. Anakin couldn't, however. At every stage, he could have done SOMETHING to stop what was happening and he couldn't see those things. After he helped off Mace Windex and saved Darth Skeletor he could have owned up to it and fixed it. He could have gone back and helped after every stupid thing he did but he just let his mistakes add up. Major lesson? You are not defined by the mistakes you make. Everyone makes those. What may make you Anakin Skywalker, besides the Keanu Reeves level acting ability, is what you do to FIX those mistakes. Thanks, Hayden.
Mission Impossible 3
Much like all Mission Impossible films, this one involves some spies and a double agent. If you are one of the 17 people who can still look at Tom Cruise and not think about how raving batcrazy he is you may have noticed that Zenu has turned him into a major superstar based on films like this. In this one, he falls in love with a non-spy cutie and has to get her back while he fights against the guy from Capote who is now magically not gay or a writer. I can't figure it out either. I just always wish that the tapes they get for missions would have to be eaten before they could go on the mission. That would be much cooler than those little weenie explosions. Power-eating.
Minor Message: Do not let physics get in the way of living your life. I guess when you watch this film and you see every imaginable rule of physics overturned you realize that sometimes you have to buck what everyone says and find out for yourself. Who knew that an explosion directly behind you could throw you sideways? Who knew a human body could dive through a 1 inch thick chunk of solid glass and not get a single scratch on them. Who would have thought that the laws of gravity, inertia and general relativity would bend so easily for little Tom Cruise? I guess the minor rule is never to think that what is in front of you is impossible. No matter how unlikely it is in real life. Sometimes sheer nerve and ability, a good hack writer and a special effects team can drag you through the hardest times in your life.
Major Lesson: Tom gets in trouble here because he assumes that the big guy in authority is the bad guy. Easy enough to do all the time. Truth is, though, that being in authority does not automatically make you a bad guy. If he had trusted the head guy in charge, he would have cut this movie down to sitcom size. Knowing how and when to trust, and avoiding your prejudices, can do that sometimes. Sometimes the guy your prejudices tell you not to trust is exactly the guy you should trust.
Dawn of the Dead
This is a remake of a classic film, which, upon further viewing, was not all that good in the first place. It has Ving Rhames in it, just like Mission Impossible 3, so this is a point in its favor. In this film, a disease causes people to rise from the dead and try to eat the brains from Sarah Polley's head. She's a cutie and I'm glad that people are noticing that she has brains. However, the movie is clich?d and trite. Everyone gathers in a mall for protection while the Zombies take over outside. Eventually, everyone dies in the closing credits. If you haven't seen this movie PLEASE DON't READ THE LINE BEFORE THIS ONE. Go back in time if you have to. For information on how to do that, reread the earlier piece about not letting physics interfere with your life.
Minor Lesson:
There are times when bragging about your brains and how smart you are is just going to make the people around you want to kill you. This is a valuable lesson. How did the Zombies know these people had brains? That's right, every one of them made a point to brag earlier. Just because you have brains, or you're alive, or you have all of your limbs- this is no good reason to lord it over people. Or Zombies.
Major Lesson: You can ignore your problems all you like, but it's not making them go away any faster. Everyone gathered in that stupid mall and sat around for weeks. During that time, the Zombies totally took over the planet. By sitting there, they just let it happen. They ignored their problems and their problems took over, eventually killing them all in the closing credits. Again, If you haven't seen this movie PLEASE DON't READ THE LINE BEFORE THIS ONE. I could have warned you first but that would have required cutting and pasting and I'm a video store clerk, not an editor.
Bad Santa
This movie's not too bad. Santa and his elf go from town to town, scamming and robbing people. Until they meet a heartwarming little 8 year old kid who is perpetually being abused by bullies. This kid suffers from what I call 'rugrats syndrome?, based on the Rugrats Cartoon. In this cartoon, the parents magically, again and again, narrowly escape jail for their horrific and criminal neglect while their children get into ?adventure? after ?adventure?, narrowly escaping death and dismemberment. I'm waiting for these kids to grow up and sue their parents for what appears to be a deep and overriding stupidity and a profound lack of parenting skills.
Minor Lesson: Why are you letting your 8 year old wander the streets alone? Are you an idiot? Are you a terrible parent? Are you a psychopath? Oh, I know, you are just a character written in a Hollywood movie. Nevermind.
Major Lesson:
Things don't mean the same thing to everybody. Over and Over people just don't see through Billy Bob Thornton's Santa Scams because they assume that Christmas means something to people and why would someone ruin that? Billy Bob, on the other hand, doesn't care. The major lesson here is not to expect that the same things mean the same things to everyone. If someone doesn't get why Christmas is important to you, they may really not just get it. We just can't expect the world to make everything mean to us what it means to them.
I could probably go on for a few more movies, but you see my point. Minor lesson / Major lesson. All around us if we pay attention to the bad movies in our lives. Even in an Adam Sandler movie, there is hope. Not much, but there is some.
And, hey, are you going to rent that or just fondle it?
Yes, I have an account here. Yes, I sometimes use it for evil and not for good. You want evil? Evil is ?Logan's Run?, a classic Sci Fi Film from the 70s that has more bad hair moments than a Black metal benefit show for Norelco hair dryers. But I sat through this movie again and again. Why? For you, man. For you. Let me make this clear, buddy. I watch bad movies so you don't have to.
Now, why does anyone have to watch these films? That's the tough part, Chester. The rule is this: In every movie, no matter how bad, there is a lesson to be learned. All of us, Video store clerks, 7-Eleven employees, Kinko's Copy people- all of us can't evolve to the next stage in our development as people until we experience and live these lessons. So here it is: Great lessons from Stupid Movies?
Ok. You don't need to be smart, you don't need to be wise, you don't even need a netflix account. You don't have to watch these crappy movies. Just let them roll over you, baby, like waves of human waste while you lie on the beach on Long Island. Sound good? It is, in fact, excellent. In fact, I can point out one major message and one minor message in every one of these truly craptastic films for you. You know it. Let's take a look at the contenders:
50 First Dates
In this movie, Adam Sandler plays a Sailor and Marine Biologist slacker who falls in love with Drew Barrymore. I know he was already in love with her from 'the Wedding Singer?, but let's not nitpick. The problem is that she has a special medical condition that makes it impossible for her to make new memories. So, every day he has to win her love all over again. He finally does get her family on his side and they all ship out onto the ocean with their small child on board somehow magically never falling into the ice cold fatal waters they choose to make their home, despite the pleas of child services.
Minor message: Adam Sandler is annoying. This is sort of a valuable life lesson here. He is annoying. Like stuffing razor blades in your ears annoying. But, he has a good heart. The minor message here is that being a good person, at heart, can actually make you bearable even though you may be the guy from ?Billy Madison?. Life lesson learned.
Major Message: Even if you are the weenie from ?Little Nicky?, you can get parents on your side. How? By working to win them over. Here, Drew Barrymore's dad and brother hate Adam Sandler, not just because they saw Happy Gilmore, but because they think he is only interested in taking advantage of her. He stays in the game and proves himself to them. A lot of people would have given up, but he shows them he really cares. He probably also brought over a tape of ?Punch Drunk Love?- a much superior film.
Star Wars Episode 3
In this movie, blah blah blah. Really, that's exactly what the synopsis says on the box I have at home. I think there may be one extra blah. This movie is terrible. A lot of things happen but no one cares because none of it makes any human sense. Anakin Skywalker kills everybody he had promised to protect 5 minutes earlier on the advice of someone he was going to kill 5 minutes before that just because he said he might be able to save his wife from dying because he saw it in a dream. Anakin Skywalker is a moron. You don't want Anakin Skywalker at your parties. At the end, he delivers a truly Homer-Simpson worthy scream because the guy who promised him he could save his wife turned out to be full of crap. Of course he still works for him. Why? Because Anakin Skywalker is a moron.
Minor Lesson: Anakin Skywalker is a moron. This is actually the lesson. In the earlier, previous and actually good films, he is Darth Vader, a towering and imposing figure of doom. He seems so evil yet intense and crazy smart. When you look at him for real, however, he is a moron. I will let this minor message wash over me. I no longer automatically believe that smart looking, put together, cool, tough people necessarily know what the hell is going on. They could be morons.
Major Lesson: Moron part 2. Actually, it's this. Anyone with half a brain could have figured out what Anakin could have done to fix his mistakes at each stage of the game. Anakin couldn't, however. At every stage, he could have done SOMETHING to stop what was happening and he couldn't see those things. After he helped off Mace Windex and saved Darth Skeletor he could have owned up to it and fixed it. He could have gone back and helped after every stupid thing he did but he just let his mistakes add up. Major lesson? You are not defined by the mistakes you make. Everyone makes those. What may make you Anakin Skywalker, besides the Keanu Reeves level acting ability, is what you do to FIX those mistakes. Thanks, Hayden.
Mission Impossible 3
Much like all Mission Impossible films, this one involves some spies and a double agent. If you are one of the 17 people who can still look at Tom Cruise and not think about how raving batcrazy he is you may have noticed that Zenu has turned him into a major superstar based on films like this. In this one, he falls in love with a non-spy cutie and has to get her back while he fights against the guy from Capote who is now magically not gay or a writer. I can't figure it out either. I just always wish that the tapes they get for missions would have to be eaten before they could go on the mission. That would be much cooler than those little weenie explosions. Power-eating.
Minor Message: Do not let physics get in the way of living your life. I guess when you watch this film and you see every imaginable rule of physics overturned you realize that sometimes you have to buck what everyone says and find out for yourself. Who knew that an explosion directly behind you could throw you sideways? Who knew a human body could dive through a 1 inch thick chunk of solid glass and not get a single scratch on them. Who would have thought that the laws of gravity, inertia and general relativity would bend so easily for little Tom Cruise? I guess the minor rule is never to think that what is in front of you is impossible. No matter how unlikely it is in real life. Sometimes sheer nerve and ability, a good hack writer and a special effects team can drag you through the hardest times in your life.
Major Lesson: Tom gets in trouble here because he assumes that the big guy in authority is the bad guy. Easy enough to do all the time. Truth is, though, that being in authority does not automatically make you a bad guy. If he had trusted the head guy in charge, he would have cut this movie down to sitcom size. Knowing how and when to trust, and avoiding your prejudices, can do that sometimes. Sometimes the guy your prejudices tell you not to trust is exactly the guy you should trust.
Dawn of the Dead
This is a remake of a classic film, which, upon further viewing, was not all that good in the first place. It has Ving Rhames in it, just like Mission Impossible 3, so this is a point in its favor. In this film, a disease causes people to rise from the dead and try to eat the brains from Sarah Polley's head. She's a cutie and I'm glad that people are noticing that she has brains. However, the movie is clich?d and trite. Everyone gathers in a mall for protection while the Zombies take over outside. Eventually, everyone dies in the closing credits. If you haven't seen this movie PLEASE DON't READ THE LINE BEFORE THIS ONE. Go back in time if you have to. For information on how to do that, reread the earlier piece about not letting physics interfere with your life.
Minor Lesson:
There are times when bragging about your brains and how smart you are is just going to make the people around you want to kill you. This is a valuable lesson. How did the Zombies know these people had brains? That's right, every one of them made a point to brag earlier. Just because you have brains, or you're alive, or you have all of your limbs- this is no good reason to lord it over people. Or Zombies.
Major Lesson: You can ignore your problems all you like, but it's not making them go away any faster. Everyone gathered in that stupid mall and sat around for weeks. During that time, the Zombies totally took over the planet. By sitting there, they just let it happen. They ignored their problems and their problems took over, eventually killing them all in the closing credits. Again, If you haven't seen this movie PLEASE DON't READ THE LINE BEFORE THIS ONE. I could have warned you first but that would have required cutting and pasting and I'm a video store clerk, not an editor.
Bad Santa
This movie's not too bad. Santa and his elf go from town to town, scamming and robbing people. Until they meet a heartwarming little 8 year old kid who is perpetually being abused by bullies. This kid suffers from what I call 'rugrats syndrome?, based on the Rugrats Cartoon. In this cartoon, the parents magically, again and again, narrowly escape jail for their horrific and criminal neglect while their children get into ?adventure? after ?adventure?, narrowly escaping death and dismemberment. I'm waiting for these kids to grow up and sue their parents for what appears to be a deep and overriding stupidity and a profound lack of parenting skills.
Minor Lesson: Why are you letting your 8 year old wander the streets alone? Are you an idiot? Are you a terrible parent? Are you a psychopath? Oh, I know, you are just a character written in a Hollywood movie. Nevermind.
Major Lesson:
Things don't mean the same thing to everybody. Over and Over people just don't see through Billy Bob Thornton's Santa Scams because they assume that Christmas means something to people and why would someone ruin that? Billy Bob, on the other hand, doesn't care. The major lesson here is not to expect that the same things mean the same things to everyone. If someone doesn't get why Christmas is important to you, they may really not just get it. We just can't expect the world to make everything mean to us what it means to them.
I could probably go on for a few more movies, but you see my point. Minor lesson / Major lesson. All around us if we pay attention to the bad movies in our lives. Even in an Adam Sandler movie, there is hope. Not much, but there is some.
And, hey, are you going to rent that or just fondle it?
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