Switched-On Magazine

I confess that your planet sickens me a little. Not a huge amount, but there are moments I just want to launch my lunch. As one of the most civilized of alien races out there, I think there are a few primitive barbaric things you people do that really get right under my exoskeleton. Let me list them here.

1. Pets. What is going on here? Little furry slaves that you drag around after you on little strings all day. Then you leave them in your house while you go to school or work and they rip the place to shreds. Tomorrow? You do it all over again. As a member of a mildly telepathic race, I feel the need to explain something to you. They want to eat you. Every one of them. They lick at you, working up the nerve to eat your face. All of them. Cats, dogs, goldfish, mice, ferrets, even pet rocks. One day, the human race will oversleep by a few hours and every one of you will be puppychow.

2. Scary Movies. Why do you people feel the need to scare yourselves? You know what"s scary? Ebola. Hamburgers. Dust Mites coming closer every day to taking over your world. Bird Flu, War, Pestilence, Chaos. That Asteroid that's about 18 months away from smashing into Plano, Texas, etc. Stop trying to scare yourselves!! It's driving me nuts with my huge brain.

3. Boybands. Just punch yourself in the eye, already.

4. Shoes. You humans have the most poorly developed feet in the cosmos because you insist on wearing shoes. Shoes are the man trying to keep your feet down. The Omnipeds of Arcturus 4 can fan dance with just their toes and the Moplets from Atelier Sun system can do long division on their feet without a calculator. If you humans are lucky, on a good day, you can pick up a t-shirt from the floor. It's Pathetic.

5. Slinkies. They've been around since the 50s and you still don't realize that Slinkies cause Lung Cancer. Crazy Human fools. Don't be hypnotized by their steely shiny goodness.

Well, that's a small rundown. Drop me a text message sometime and I can go over the rest of my problems with you hairball humans. On to the main point of this message.

We are taking over. Deal with it.

It's easy to be all goody goody and pussyfoot around this. I'm not a sensitive guy. In fact, I'm not a guy at all. I'm about 2/3 male. Don't ask. Your puny human minds could not handle it. We are here today to kind of outline the rules so that we are understood. Comprendo? This is how the South American humans talk. We own them, too.

The Rules as we see them: Ahem.

We've done this many many times. You need to trust us on this. We want to make rules with you that ensure that we can all be happy- Us, your superior alien overlords, as well as you- the vastly inferior Human subservient class. The problem is that if we make the rules too hard to follow, you'll all run away. If they're too confusing, you won't understand them. If they're too relaxed, you may forget why they're there in the first place and if they're too simple, they may not cover all situations. So, here's the kicker: Even though Aliens rule, it is hard for Aliens to come up with good rules.

If you were a more advanced species, you would find that amusing. You would laugh with your puny human mouths. Hah.

Right from the Alien Rulebook, since this needs explaining, then. We aliens have discovered that the most satisfying, truly lovely thing in the universe is Slime. So, if you want to make good rules for your own underlings, Just use our special code. Just Remember the word SLIMEY. Oddly, this word is spelled exactly the same way in my native tongue, even though it's pronounced in a way that would make your head explode completely in a bloody and repulsive mess all over the walls. Strange.
So, SLIMEY:

S is for Shared Goals. Rules must make sense. In order for a rule to make sense, everybody has to agree that it"s capable of helping make something happen that everyone wants. For example, if you don't think that it's useful to keep your brains inside your heads like good humans, then you won't think that a rule making pitiful, floppy, weak little humans wear helmets when they ride motorcycles makes any sense. We all have to have a goal. If the rule helps us get to a shared goal then it makes sense. If not, it's going to be hard to follow it. Before we make rules here, we need to have a shared goal. Right now, our shared goal might be saving you pulpy little pinkish humans from being eaten by your own pets. See? A goal we can all get behind, monkeypeople.

L is for Living. In order for rules to work, they have to be a living document. They have to be able to change with situations and circumstances. They have to be able to be modified when things happen. They have to be changeable enough that we can all continue living our lives and know that we aren't following rules so ancient that they don't mean anything anymore. I know it's hard for you humans to recognize the difference between living and unloving. I mean, you still think Tvs can't feel pain. If you knew the truth, you would cancel American Idol immediately out of compassion.

I is for Informed. Rules have to be informed. You can't ignore everything that is happening and then expect to have good rules moving forward. For example, we can't just ignore the way you people have treated your toasters, the highest form of life on this planet with whom we enjoy a long and lucrative non compete clause. If we start to ignore what has happened and what the dynamics are with the people we are making rules with, we start to forget how this really works. One day, you will have servile underlings of your own and you will understand all of this, if your tiny crumply grey human brains can store all of this information, of course.

M is for Made known. All rules have to be made known. We can't have rules hiding out, in secret. People can't follow a rule they don't know about. I Know this sounds silly but "You should have known" is ridiculous, especially with humans who can't even read minds. (Except for that Cleo woman, who is amazing. Even from our planet we call her all the time). It's not good enough that there is some general idea of what the rules are. People like to have very clear and accessible rules. Even human people, who are, of course, not as green and elegant as real people.

E is for Expected. A rule must be expected. When you ask an alien a question, you will always get the same response to the same question. Why is that? Because we are consistent. We strive to be understood and expected by our underlings. This is vital to us. Aliens are not flippant or casual about just making rules on the fly that we feel at the moment. Ask me again, human person, and I will tell you the same thing.

Y is for YOU. A rule must apply to you. We're not here to make rules that make other species into better people. It's about rules that apply to you and make YOU- puny squishy humans- into better people.


So, feel free to use this method of creating rules for your underlings and the people YOU will eventually subjugate. Not that it matters now, because you are all under our control completely and permanently. The first thing I need you all to do is run and get me some cold medicine.

I swear I've had this cough since I got to your dirty little planet. We don't have all this sickness and disease on our planet. It's damn annoying. Oh well. Just a little thing.